| Feb. 11th, 2008 @ 05:15 pm I can't die! Ha ha! |
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I've realized that I cannot die! :-) I can't die because I do not exist.
Ok, I'm sure that sounds existential at best, maybe disturbing, or even cultish at worst... unless you already understand what I'm saying from a Buddhist perspective.
The self is illusory. "I" is an illusion. Whatever I think I am, I am not. Same goes for you. I used to be sure that the essence of "me" was my thoughts, my ideas, and my ability to think. Many identify their minds as themselves in this way. Others though, identify their feelings or memories as the "essence" of what they are. Some even identify their beautiful bodies as the core of what they are. This is the most tragically sad perspective of course, because they very soon suffer greatly from inevitable aging. Still others identify themselves with what they own -- status symbols, fancy cars or clothes. Their constant pursuit of these things is a desperate pursuit to define what they are to themselves. Some, especially the young -- myself formerly included -- define what they are by the music they like to listen to. That seems in some way, the most unfounded...
But none of these things are what we are. It is in fact very difficult to know what we are. Deeds exist but no do-er can be found. All the things listed above and whatever else we may think we are, are just stories we tell ourselves in an attempt to define ourselves. Just stories. Nothing more, nothing more substantive than that. We are empty.
Further, whatever we may think we are, we definitely are not, because this is just what we think -- just a mind object, nothing more than an idea in our heads. We aren't what we think, precisely because a thought is what that is. Lets call a spade a spade. If we're going to think what we are is a thought, or some collection of thoughts, why not instead conclude what we are is some other random thought? Think of a feather -- is that you? No, our thinking it does not make it so. Er, at least not any more than it ever does... Everything in the dream is the dreamer... With our thoughts we make the world after all. ...Yeah, I'm just going to leave that apparent contradiction for those who know it isn't a contradiction at all. Thoughts exist, but they are not the thinker. And yet they are.
Each of the things listed a few paragraphs back raise the question of what you are without them, or without the things that make them possible. If you think your essence is thoughts, feelings, or memories, would "you" still exist without a brain? This is where many say "yes" and point to a belief in a "soul". But I don't think any thoughts, feelings, or memories can exist without a body and brain to make them possible. I mentioned before people who think their beauty is what they "really" are -- and how they grasp after it as it inexorably slips away with age. Those that define themselves by status, wealth, or power -- what happens when they lose it? "Nervous breakdown" is the euphamism we use for the sudden revelation that this is not what they are. Oh yes, and music. If you cling rigidly to the music you defined yourself with, probably during high school or college, soon you're living in the past. Are you still cool then?
I too used to think thoughts could continue sans a brain, when I was younger. It's just hard to imagine that whatever you've decided your essence is, could end. Because that would mean really dying! The only way I know of is the indirect route I'm pointing out here -- that there are many different things that many people fervently believe are their essence, and they can't all be right...
So on one level what we "are", is simply one small part of the endless becoming of the universe. The universe just keeps happening, and we are part of it.
So, no "I" exists, so "I" cannot die. That which does not exist cannot have an end, or a beginning for that matter. Of course the stories we tell ourselves begin and end, but these are just stories.
All that said, of course I will still die. This body is aging and will die. But now I'm thinking that moment may not really be much different from any other -- just more of the continuing change of the universe. My heart will stop, my brain will stop, my cells will stop. My living body will change to a dead body. But it doesn't end there. My body will decompose and perhaps be "food for worms". In the fullness of time all the molecules and atoms in my body will become other things.
But "I" cannot die, because there is no "I".
But what is it then that experiences? ;-) |
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